Coming to terms with hating myself (Day 53)

So I’d been having a really bad several weeks; was still recovering from deluding myself that I could sleep like a “normal boy” and trying to do so for a couple weeks, combined with work and personal life difficulties.

Was taking a moment to try to get my head straight, had a particularly negative thought about myself, related to worthlessness and impeding my own “potential”, and initially forced that thought to go away. A bit of the emotional skills training flagged that; a really good maxim of “only delay emotions, and only delay when they are unproductive in the current moment.”

Now, hating myself always fell in the category of “always bad emotion”, but that categorization clashed with that maxim in my head, so I did a quick internal check (am I okay enough to play with this fire?), and then went embracing and exploring the feeling.

I’m not gonna say it was all lollipops and rainbows: there was a LOT of full-body level shaking and crying, and some somewhat teeter-y moments. But even in those spots, there was lots of relief, and a greater understanding.

And at the end; I can really face and the fact that I do hate some aspects of myself. My sleep disorder makes every aspect of my life difficult, in so many very strange ways there’s almost nobody to commiserate with or get assistance from. I’m currently doing work I enjoy, but doesn’t satisfy my desire to utilize all my capabilities to improve the world around me as much as I can.

I can’t change those things, and they do add lots of struggles. So negative emotions are merited, justified; but being honest with myself about them, embracing them, has made it so they’re not turbulently boiling beneath everything anymore. And not having everything I do or feel randomly tainted or poisoned by those emotions boiling up has been tremendously freeing.

Instead, the hate is now just a dude with slicked black hair and weird, slightly evil-looking facial hair off to the side in my mind, sitting in a chair with that very explicitly annoyed posture one can have, one hand stroking his evil-beard with a “I’ll just sit over here wondering if you’re ever gonna do anything about this” vibe.

***************

I’ve hated hating things for a long time (queue jokes!). It’s emotionally exhausting, and even when it can be useful for motivation, the adversarial tunnel-vision that accompanies hate seems to make motivated actions counterproductive to one’s overall goals.

So almost nothing has ever seemed “worth” hating to me. The best course of action always seemed to be just knowing Bad Thing™ is harmful, destructive, and awful while conscientiously working to change said bad then whenever possible. And avoiding it when no change is possible at the moment.

I’ve been working quite hard at getting better at this whole “I have emotions” thing, but this was a pretty crazy development.

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